Send a prayer to bless and release the other
person, providing them support to work through their issue, but
in a way that does not involve you emotionally.
2. Are they a mirror?
What action or behavior of the other
person reminds you of you, of an action or behavior that you
don't like or are ashamed of? Can you recognize yourself at all
in the other person's behavior?
When we are uncomfortable about
a behavior, we sometimes ask (unconsciously, of course) someone
to mirror that behavior to keep us in check. Seeing someone else
take selfishness to the extreme serves as a good reminder to us
to keep that occasional selfish act at bay. The problem is
twofold. One, on a scale of 1 to 100, we tend to perform the
problem behavior on a 5 or 10, but we ask someone who operates
on a 90 or 95 to be our mirror. Second, we forget that we asked
them to be our mirror and we get lost in the injustice of their
behavior. Do you see a connection? Be brutally honest with this
Write a postcard to the other person. You won't
send it, you'll burn it. In the postcard, release the person
from the contract. Thank them for providing the service, but
tell them you no longer need it as you are now aware of the
issue. You now understand that you do not have to keep yourself
in check the way you thought you did. When you burn the
postcard, do a prayer to bless and release both of you to
proceed forward with your lives, either separately or together
in a healthy, happy way.
3. Is a value being violated?
Very often our deepest
emotional responses come when one of our values is being
violated. This is actually one of the clues to help you identify
your values. Pay attention to when the absence of something
(like respect or justice) pushes your button. It is probably one
of your core values.
Identify ways to bring this value into your life
in a more active way. Identify at least one major goal that is
linked to this value and start taking action on it.
4. What life lesson is being taught?
I believe that we come
into this life with a specific purpose and that part of bringing
that purpose to fruition is to undergo certain experiences or
life lessons. I also have a theory that the first half of our
life is about learning our lessons and the second half is about
putting that knowledge into practice in the service of others
(fulfilling our life purpose, if you will).
Does whatever is happening feel familiar?
Can you remember
other times in your past when you felt this same way? What
pattern do you recognize? If there is a sense of familiarity
around what is going on, then it is very likely a life lesson.
This is a definite opportunity to learn the lesson once and for
all, since life lessons tend to keep presenting themselves to us
so that we may learn them.
Take inventory. What do you need in order to
complete this lesson? Sometimes, awareness of the pattern or
life lesson is all we need to break the cycle. Sometimes we need
to take concrete action or develop and build skills to
strengthen ourselves or an area of our life. There are times
when we just need to understand that the experience is linked to
our life purpose, that by having that experience we will be
better prepared to more effectively fulfill our life purpose.
that is where you are, then figure out how to start expressing
your life purpose.
5. Where do you need to take action?
Are there a number of
people pushing your buttons? What is the common thread on what
is going on? Recently, a client had six different situations
that were bringing him down. We started by discussing each one,
but pretty soon a pattern of feeling not in control and not
respected started emerging. We looked at his life and identified
a major area where he was feeling frustrated and it was causing
him to lose self-respect. He realized that this was the real
area that needed to be addressed. The primary difference between
this and a recurring life lesson is the time element. All of the
situations are concentrated now, not spread out over a lifetime.
Identify what action you are going to take and
when. Then do it. Also, write one postcard to all the
individuals who were pointing out the situation to you following
the guidelines above.
6. How does this serve you?
Sometimes a difficult situation
that drives us mental provides us with an unseen payoff. For
example, a client was frustrated because her daughter and new
husband often seemed to be at loggerheads, fighting over
spending time with her. As we examined this, she realized that
the benefit she was experiencing was to feel special because
they were fighting over her. In fact, she was able to accept
that she was creating the situation in order to feel special.
(That is the enlightened aspect we talked about earlier).
A postcard is in order here, thanking the
individuals involved and releasing them from their contract.
Identify other ways to get that same feeling.
I hope you find this helpful.
As a final note, I wanted to
mention that emotional response tends to be different than
feeling in that feeling is current. It exists in the present and
unites you to the present. Emotional reaction appears to be
triggered by a present event, but in fact is seldom related to
the present. It usually has a lot more to do with the past or
future, and contains a sense of powerlessness. Experiment with
these questions and let me know how this works for you.
"Pain (any pain--emotional, physical, mental) has a
message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably
specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories:
"We would be more alive if we did more of this," and,
"Life would be more lovely if we did less of that."
Once we get the pain's message, and follow its advice, the pain
goes away." -Peter McWilliams
"Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you
must first see inside of you." -Wally 'Famous' Amos
"When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long.
Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look
forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be
changed. The future is yet in your power." -Hugh White
"When the student is ready. . . the lesson
appears." -Gene Oliver
"One thing about the school of experience is that it
will repeat the lesson if you flunk the first time."
Morganti Kaelin was a Life Success Coach who passed on in
2011. Rest in peace, Louise!