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When
you are feeling angry at someone, what do you do? Do you
know how to express your feelings in ways that are clear and
assertive? Many folks don't. For that reason, one of two
things happens: they hold the anger in, and, as we all know, it
sneaks out in strange and often inappropriate ways, or, they
explode and scatter their unhappiness over everyone, perhaps,
destroying relationships on the way! Neither of these are
healthy alternatives.
Anger is an arousal in the body that is triggered by frustration,
fear or hurt. As that arousal escalates, your body goes into
the stress response. When that arousal raises your heart
rate to about 120 to 150 beats per minute, the blood from the
frontal lobes of your brain, the centers of reason and logic,
drains down to protect your vital organs. This is not good
news. Why? Because the more angry you become, the more
unable you are to think clearly! You have probably
experienced that. Just when you are at your loudest, wanting
to deal the death blow to prove your righteous position, you
cannot think. Then, you often say one of the best things
you'll ever regret! Right?
When the body goes into arousal, notice. If you are talking
to someone at the time, think. It is important to your
well-being and the health of your relationships to answer this
question: What do I want from this exchange? If a
potentially volatile volley of words, accusations, and threats are
likely to erupt, leave.
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No, this is not "running away
from a fight." This is just informed decision-making.
There is one important difference, though: tell the person that
you are leaving and when you will return to discuss the
issue.
This is the difference between being responsible and
being a "hit-and-run" offender. Take care of the
relationship. Do not abandon the other person. Simply
say, "I'm too angry now and I'm likely to say things I don't
mean. I'll be back in three hours and let's discuss this
then. If it is in the work setting, acknowledge your desire
to work out the issue, and promise to get back to them within
three hours to set a time to talk further. This is not easy,
but it is effective!
Why three hours or more? Simple. It takes a full
ninety minutes for the blood to return to your centers of reason
and logic and your heart beat to return to normal. It makes
good sense to wait and it demonstrates that you care about
yourself AND the relationship.
©
Rhoberta
Shaler, PhD All rights reserved worldwide. http://sowpeace.com
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