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Humor--Just for Fun!!!

  
Humor is a huge part of living a full life, and there's nothing like a good laugh every now and then.
We present these pages with no plan in mind--no structure or organization,
no categorization--just fun stuff that we think you'll like.
   

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Efficiency Expert
   
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try
carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get
breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

 
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth.  He wanted to make sure they understood
that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.  He asked his class, "Where is
Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." 
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! 
He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"
 
  

Skip a Day
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost
at least 5 pounds." 
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. 
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"  
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day." 
"From hunger, you mean?" 
"No, from skipping."

   

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Volunteer Fire Truck

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was
called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department
could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the
call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight
towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped!
The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in
all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking
the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that
right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department
planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The
first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

   

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Slightly Revised Proverbs

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he
gets angry, he'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you
to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats
a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.

Chris Groth

 

 

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