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Humor--Just for Fun!!!

  
Humor is a huge part of living a full life, and there's nothing like a good laugh every now and then.
We present these pages with no plan in mind--no structure or organization,
no categorization--just fun stuff that we think you'll like.
   

   

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.  The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
  "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
  "Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't know that," said the manager.  "Here, give me the broom--I'll show you how."
  

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy will you sleep with me tonight?"  The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  "I can't dear, I have to sleep in daddy's room."  A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."

  
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

  

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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
 
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
 
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
 
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.  So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,  "Where is God!!?"  Again the boy made no attempt to answer.  So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
 
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.   When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
 
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We're in BIG trouble this time, dude.  God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
 

Things You Learn From the Movies:

1.  Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well
within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2.  At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3.  Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire
to cut.  You will always choose the right one.

4.  Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

5.  It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.

6.  When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7.  If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8.  Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.

9.  Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch
enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10.  All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level
on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11.  All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12.  It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13.  Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14.  You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15.  Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language.  A German or Russian accent will
do. 

16.  The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17.  A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18.  If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

19.  If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20.  Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.

21.  Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22.  All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23.  A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24.  If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25.  Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to
speak to each other in English.

   
 

The Golfing Preacher
 
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he
could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no
clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a
quandary as to what to do ... play golf or give the Sunday service.  Shortly,
the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was
sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for
him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one
would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.

He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for
what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a
perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green,
where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in basketball, "nothing but
net"). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your
pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "I did. Think about it - who can he tell?"

   

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   A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,  "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
   She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
   "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
   "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
   "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
   "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
   He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
   "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
   "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
   "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."
   "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
   "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
   Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
   "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
 

  

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired
of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a timed test that will run
two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets.  They wrote reports. They sent faxes.
They  sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made greeting cards. They did every job
known to computer nerds. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of
course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld.  Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on,
and both restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically,
screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went
out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours.  Satan observed this and became irate.

He protested,  "Wait! He cheated - how'd he do it?"

God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

 

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