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Humor--Just for Fun!!!

  
Humor is a huge part of living a full life, and there's nothing like a good laugh every now and then.
We present these pages with no plan in mind--no structure or organization,
no categorization--just fun stuff that we think you'll like.
   

   

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Ineffective Daily Affirmations

* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.

* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.

* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. 
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality
at all.

* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.

* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice
things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

* Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary
fears.

* Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant
nagging?

* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."

* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

* Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find
someone.

* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
 
* The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
 
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm
giving as much as I'm getting.

* I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from
them.

 
At age 83, Granddad was admitted to the hospital for the first time.

"What is this?" he asked as he held up the bell cord they had fastened to his pillow.

"That's the bell, Granddad," I replied.

He pulled it several times, then remarked, "I don't hear it ringing."

"Oh, it doesn't ring," I explained. "It turns on a light in the hall for the nurse."

"Well!" he replied indignantly, "if the nurse wants a light on in the hall, she can turn it on herself."

   

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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed due to
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:  Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:  Directions: Use like regular soap.
(...and that would be how?...)

On some Swann frozen dinners:  Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:  Fits one head.
(But I like to shower with a friend!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):  Do not turn
upside down. (Too late!  You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:  Product will be hot after heating. (Are
you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:  Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's children's cough medicine:  Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just
kept those 5-year-olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:  Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope so!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:  Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:  For indoor or outdoor use
only. (As opposed to the alternative...which would be?...)

On a Japanese food processor:  Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:  Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:  Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:  Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's Superman costume:  Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly. (That's right: destroy those universal childhood dreams)

   
 
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.  There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.  In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.  "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation.  I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.

A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

   

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A Letter from Martha Stewart to Erma Bombeck (And don't we all miss Erma?)

Hi Erma,
   This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell
you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and
made a sled out of old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold
leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make
the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just
sitting around my craft room. By then it was time to start making the place
mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests.
   I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve course breakfast, but
I'll let you in on a little secret; I didn't have time to make the tables and
chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand. Before I moved the
table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So
I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then
while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made
dishes (exactly the same shade of pink!) to use
for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at
almost any Hungarian craft store.
   Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing
for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office
as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.  Hope my breakfast
guests don't stay too long--I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay
leaves before my speaking engagement at noon!

Love,
Martha

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8 inch gold gauze.
I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I
grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

Response from Erma

Dear Martha,
I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the
coffee and jelly stains.
   I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with
one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, a
gain! Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute
curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut some
snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor...trashed the tablecloth.
   Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mucked up after I defrosted
them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that
Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that
resembles puke!
   The smoke alarm is going off, gotta go. I'll talk to you later!

Love,
Erma

 

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