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Humor--Just for Fun!!!

  
Humor is a huge part of living a full life, and there's nothing like a good laugh every now and then.
We present these pages with no plan in mind--no structure or organization,
no categorization--just fun stuff that we think you'll like.
   

  

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rules not to live by!!!

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
 
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
 
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the
wrong way.
 
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
 
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
 
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
 
The colder the x-ray table the more you body is required on it.
 
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of
bread.
 
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
reach it.
 
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
 many is research.
 
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
 
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
 
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
 
Get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
 
Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
 
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
 
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!
 
How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand...
 
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

 

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Modern Day Prayers


Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am e.s.t.
 
God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
 
God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
 
God, help me to not try to RUN everything.
But,  if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
 
Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
 
God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
 
God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
 
Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
 
God, help me to finish everything I sta
 
God, help me to keep my mind on one th--Look a bird--ing at a time.
 
God, help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. 
And would you mind putting that in writing?
 
Lord, keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
 
Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
 
Lord, help me follow established procedures today. 
On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
 
Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.  Amen.

 
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - - a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Your wish is granted!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

 

Math Signs

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tried everything:
tutors, flash cards, special learning centers--in short, everything they
could think of. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy down and
enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his
face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room
& starts studying.  Books & papers are spread out all over the room and
little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to
dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room
and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to
understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home
his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and
hits the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her
surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.

She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son,
what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
"Was it the books?  The discipline?  The structure?  The uniforms?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around."

   

All contents Living Life Fully, all rights reserved.

 
What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1.  Handsome
2.  Charming
3.  Financially successful
4.  A caring listener
5.  Witty
6.  In good shape
7.  Dresses with style
8.  Appreciates the finer things
9.  Full of thoughtful surprises
10.  An imaginative, romantic lover


What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1.  Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2.  Opens car doors, holds chairs
3.  Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4.  Listens more than he talks
5.  Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6.  Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7.  Owns at least one tie
8.  Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9.  Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10.  Seeks romance at least once a week


What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1.  Not too ugly - bald head OK
2.  Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
4.  Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5.  Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6.  Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7.  Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8.  Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9.  Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10.  Shaves on most weekends


What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1.  Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2.  Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3.  Doesn't borrow money too often
4.  Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5.  Doesn't retell same joke too many times
6.  Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7.  Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8.  Appreciates a good TV dinner
9.  Remembers your name on occasion
10.  Shaves on some weekends


What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1.  Doesn't scare small children
2.  Remembers where bathroom is
3.  Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4.  Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5.  Forgets why he's laughing
6.  Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7.  Usually wears some clothes
8.  Likes soft foods
9.  Remembers where he left his teeth
10.  Remembers when...


What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
----------------------------------
1.  Breathing
 

 
Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her
to Disney World for the first time and headed straight for
Space Mountain.  I worried that the roller coaster would be
too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode
it twice.

The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my
daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain.
As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying
the signs that warn about the ride's speed.  "Dad," she said,
"I don't think I want to go." I asked her why she would be
nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.  She replied,
"This year, I can read."
 
 

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