August 2
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Today's
quotation:
We
live in an atmosphere of shame. We are ashamed of everything
that is real about us; ashamed of ourselves, of our relatives, of our
incomes, of our accents, of our opinions, of our experience, just
as we are ashamed of our naked skins.
George
Bernard Shaw
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Today's
Meditation:
It's such a
shame that we're trained to feel so much shame in our
lives. Any way that we're different or unique is a
possible source of shame in our society-- are you
messy? Do you not feel patriotic? Did you show
up at a formal party in jeans? Is your sexuality
somewhat unique? Did you have sex with someone
you're not married to? Did you miss an important
meeting? Other people can find tons of sources to
try to make us feel shame because they know that if we
feel it, we're likely to be more "controllable"
because we want to make up for our "shameful"
act.
Shame,
though, is an artificial concept that human beings have
adopted to try to control other people, and it's been
especially dominant in religions. Many of the things
that we grow up being ashamed of are actually quite normal
human qualities and traits, and there's no reason at all
for us to feel shame for them. Many things that we
do are simply mistakes, and once we've apologized and made
amends, there's no real reason to carry shame for the
action with us for any amount of time.
There
are legitimate sources of shame, but they're fairly
rare. And a bit of shame here and there can help us
to strengthen our character when we realize that we don't
want to do that kind of thing any more. But when we
live in shame and focus on that shame, we rob ourselves of
the power to become the people we were meant to be, and we
don't allow ourselves to function with the freedom we need
to make our lives something special.
There
are very few things that you should be ashamed of.
It's perfectly normal to make mistakes and move on with
our lives, not being ashamed of the mistake. When we
learn to reject the attempts of other people to make us
feel awful for something that we are or that we've done or
said, then we learn to create our own lives on our own
terms, following our own instincts and our own
ideals. Life isn't a free-for-all, of course-- we
simply can't go around doing whatever seems okay at the
moment-- but when we know that we've done nothing really
wrong or that what we are is our business and no one
else's, then we can leave shame behind and move on to do
the great things that we were meant to do.
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Questions to
consider:
Why do so many church leaders try to make members of their
churches feel ashamed? Why do so many parents use
shame as a disciplinary tool with their kids?
What things do others seem to think you should be ashamed
of? Are you ashamed of them? Why or why not?
What is the true source of shame? How does it affect
us in legitimate ways? |
For further
thought:
Your
shame hides in many places--
in anger, blame, denial, workaholism,
perfectionism, drinking, and anything else you compulsively engage in to
make yourself feel better. But if you could just learn to be vulnerable
for one second, and open up to the pain, you would find
there's no place left for your shame to hide.
Adam Appleson
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