our first page of jokes

Humor--Just for Fun!!!

Humor is a huge part of living a full life, and there's nothing like a good laugh
every now and then. We present these pages with no plan in mind--
no structure or organization, no categorization--
just fun stuff that we think you'll like.

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A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their wives were on a
cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and
next thing you know, they're standing before Saint Peter.

First came the Presbyterian and his wife. Saint Peter shook his head sadly.
"I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you
even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food
too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously,
"It doesn't look good, Fanny."

No wonder English is so difficult to learn , , , ,

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the birthday present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
The seamstress and the sewer fell into the sewer.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

Subject: The Engineers

Three Apple engineers and Three Microsoft Employees are traveling by train to
a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets
and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft
employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer. They all board the train.
The Microsoft employees take their respective seats, but all three Apple
engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple
engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money
(being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a
single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers
don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see, " answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom
and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks
over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please...."

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life begin?"
"At conception," said the Catholic priest.
"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "it begins at birth."
"It's in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."
"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."

A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur offered an idea. "Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off."
"Sounds great," the scientist said.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
"Yes," said one professor, then he launched into a highly technical question.
The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. "That's an easy one," he replied. "So easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it."

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me
and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The programmer said, "Look I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

HIM: "I'm sorry, dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today and I can't talk."

HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, honey."

HIM: "OK, darling, but since I'm so short on time right now, just give me
the good news."

HER: "Well, the air bag works."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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Scientific Explanations From Kids

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones.
The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.

Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun,
but I never have been able to make out the numbers.

When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting.
When people do it, we say they are crazy.

One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Genetics explains why you look like your father,
and if you don't, why you should.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud.
When it gets big enough to be called a drop,
it does.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed
for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit.
If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Everybody Knows Bubba

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know Bill; let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"