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Humor--Just for Fun!!!

  
Humor is a huge part of living a full life, and there's nothing like a good laugh every now and then.
We present these pages with no plan in mind--no structure or organization,
no categorization--just fun stuff that we think you'll like.
   

   

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Memory

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to him about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" 

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"  

He replies, "Sure."  

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" 

He says, "No, I can remember that." 

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You  had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that--you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you  will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice he says, " I don't need to write that  down.  I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. 

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

 
  

Signs That You Are Broke
                                    
American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

You rob Peter and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.

Sally Struthers sends you food.

McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

 
For those who LOVE flying....  Occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been reported:

1.  From a Southwest Airlines employee... "There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2.  Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3.  After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4.  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.  WHOA!"

5.  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please  take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."

6.  From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide
now which one you love more.

7.  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8.  "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9.  "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day.  During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off
except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?"  "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at US Airways."
   

We have some inspiring and motivational books that may interest you.  Our main way of supporting this site is through the sale of books, either physical copies or digital copies for your Amazon Kindle (including the online reader).  All of the money that we earn through them comes back to the site in one way or another.  Just click on the picture to the left to visit our page of books, both fiction and non-fiction!

 
Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was
time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given
the name of a Florida Realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami,
extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime.
Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green
bananas."
   

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One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her
secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to
prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the
wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I
approached Mrs. Pritchard to test my theory.  "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal
spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."
  

 

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