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Getting away from Comparisons
Alan Loy McGinnis

You Can't See Your Own Eyes
Helaine Iris

Your Worst Financial Enemy (part 4)
Thomas Schweich

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There is an important factor that causes us to be obsessed with our limitations:  the tendency to compare ourselves with others.  There is probably no other habit that chips away at our self-confidence so effectively as the habit of scanning the people around us to see how we compare.  It is as if we have a radar dish on our foreheads, constantly searching to see if someone else is quicker, tanner, or brighter.  And when we find that at times someone is, we are devastated.

The folly of basing our self-estimate on comparisons is that it puts us on a roller-coaster.  Perhaps we are feeling fairly good about our appearance one day, and we find ourselves in the company of someone with stunningly good looks.  Suddenly we feel ugly and want to disappear.  Or perhaps we know we have above-average intelligence, but we happen to be at lunch with people who are even smarter.  Then every word that comes out of our mouths sounds like intellectual sludge.

Some of us grew up with older brothers and sisters who we desperately wanted to emulate, but of course we were doomed from the start.  For no matter how hard we tried to catch up, we found ourselves smaller, clumsier, and dumber than they were.  And when they ridiculed us--as most older siblings do--we learned to criticize ourselves.  In many cases this became a life-long habit.

But God did not make us to be like our siblings or anyone else.  We are absolutely unique.  We are the product of 23 chromosomes from our mothers and 23 chromosomes from our fathers, and geneticists say that the odds of our parents having another child like us are one in 10 to the two-billionth power.  The combination of attributes that constitutes us will never be duplicated.  If this is true, and if it is true that we are created by God--an original by a master artist--it makes the exploration and development of that uniqueness an item of the highest priority.

Our core value is not diminished when we happen to be with people who are better musicians or more famous or wealthier.  Nor is it heightened when we find ourselves with people who are less accomplished.  The Bible teaches us that we have worth quite apart from the existence of any other person.  We have worth because we are God's unique creation.

The Hasidic rabbi, Zuscha, was asked on his deathbed what he thought the kingdom of God would be like.  He replied, "I don't know.  But one thing I do know.  When I get there I am not going to be asked, 'Why weren't you Moses?  Why weren't you David?'  I am only going to be asked, 'Why weren't you Zuscha?  Why weren't you fully you?'"

Thousands of years ago, the Greek philosopher Aristotle suggested that each human being is bred with a unique set of potentials that yearn to be fulfilled as surely as the acorn yearns to become the oak within it.  Sidney Poitier's parents probably never heard of Aristotle's notion, but they knew its truth in their bones and they taught their children a self-reliance that refused to be defeated because they had some limitations.

"I was a product of a colonial system," says Poitier, "that was very damaging to the psyche of non-white people.  The darker you were, the less opportunities were presented to you. . . . My parents were terribly, terribly poor, and after a while the psychology of poverty begins to mess with your head.  As a result, I cultivated a fierce pride in myself, something that was hammered into me by my parents Evelyn and Reggie--mostly by Evelyn.  She never apologized for the fact that she had to make my pants out of flour sacks.  I used to have 'Imperial Flour' written across my rear.  She always used to say, 'If it's clean, that's the important thing.'  So from that woman--and probably for that woman--I always wanted to be extraordinary."
  

You Can't See Your Own Eyes

Helaine Iris

My friend called me this morning from her favorite coffee shop.  She was taking a break from work.  I sensed frustration in her voice; something clearly was on her mind.  After a few minutes of small talk I invited her to tell me what was going on.

She took a deep breath and told me that she was, once again, dissatisfied with her job, and for that matter, her life.

This information, or should I say complaint, wasn't new news.  If I were a betting woman, the minute I heard the frustration in her voice, I would have guessed what was going on and where the conversation was headed.  We've been here before.  My friend has been struggling with this issue for years.

There have been many times throughout our years as friends that I've been happy to explore options, problem solve, and come up with creative action plans for her to follow.  She's brilliant, self-analyzing, and willing to look at the truth about herself.  Always, by the end of our conversations, she's excited, inspired and motivated to make the necessary life changes, yet nothing changes.  She continuously finds a million good reasons to talk herself out of changing her life.

Why, I wonder to myself, can't she--and many people like her--find their way out of their own, self-imposed paper bag?

My friend is caught in an endless loop of her own brilliant, yet limited thinking.  Even when she gets advice or makes a plan to follow, left to her own devices she will ultimately find a way to talk herself out of making the change.  She's like a rat in a labyrinth, twisting her way through the endless corridors of her own often-limited logic, and that is frustrating, both for her personally, and for others to watch.

So, why is this?  What creates this all-too-familiar human challenge?  The answer's simple:  You can't see yourself.   Sometimes, trying to solve your own problems is like trying to see your own eyes.  Try as you might, without a mirror, you'll never be successful at gazing directly upon the windows of your own soul.  The only way to see your own eyes is to look into a reflection.

The reflection I'm talking about in this case is called perspective.  Seeking outside perspective, from a professional, not just a friend, can help you deal with and move through your challenges.  It's the way out of the paper bag.  It's the flashlight that provides illumination when the world is dark.

Are you, or someone you know lost inside your own paper bag?  Here are some suggestions for taking the first step into the light:

Are you resistant to ask for outside help?  Is it simply stubbornness? Unfortunately, some of our cultural view defines us as weak if we ask for help.  Challenge this belief.  Choose to align with the available wisdom accessible to you.

Is there an underlying issue at the root?  Lack of confidence, self-esteem, or fear can be real and debilitating.  Consider handling your issue with a mental health professional.  You can make all the action plans in the world, but if there is an underlying issue not resolved, you will always wind up back in the old familiar paper bag.

Do you need a good kick in the pants?  Making a change is kind of like starting to exercise after you haven't done it for a while.  It's hard to get started, but once you do, it feels great.  Define for yourself the benefit you will receive from handling the problem.  Then, use the benefit to create inspiration and incentive to take that first step.  This is where a friend can come in--ask them to provide the kick in the pants you need.

I was delighted when my friend called me back later that day and told me she had found a therapist and was committed to working through whatever was in her way.  I'm proud of her and will be supportive as she takes this first tender step.

She will now have a mirror to reflect back the beauty of her own eyes and to help her to live the life she's always wanted to live.  I'm excited for her. 

It's YOUR life--live it completely!

Helaine is a professional coach and writer, who has been featured in numerous publications, including "O" The Oprah Magazine.  She helps entrepreneurs and professional women accelerate their professional success, while achieving a more complete and fulfilling personal life.  She combines a broad range of professional experience in her work, including management positions in the education, training, retail and international non-profit sectors.  Free Initial Consultation:  For a solution-focused, initial consultation visit http://www.pathofpurpose.com, call Helaine at 603-357-8546 or email her helaine@pathofpurpose.com

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The next items that I want cover are binge and impulse spending.  I think that’s probably where people waste the most money.  Binge spending I define as “spending more than you need for the same results.”  So for example, you go to the store to buy Grandma a Christmas present.  She’s happy with a wool sweater.  You see a Versace you’ve just got to buy her.  Sound familiar?  How many times have people made those mistakes?  Hundreds and thousands of times.  Grandma doesn’t care about Versace.  You’re wasting money by doing it.  Do not make binge expenditures.  Do not buy more than you need to achieve the same result, in this case a happy Grandma.  I think a lot of people could save a lot of money by avoiding their binge spending.

Now, let’s talk about impulse spending.  That’s buying something you don’t need at all.  You’re going to the store to buy undershirts and you decide you need a life-size plastic Santa for the front yard.  You don’t need to buy that!  What are you going to do with that?  It’s going to be out there for one month a year and no one’s really going to care.  It’s going to look the same as the wreath.  It doesn’t make a big difference.  Don’t buy things that you don’t need.

And the way I drive this point home is by asking you to look at all the Christmas presents you got last year and ask how many of them you’re really using.  How many games are going in the basement, games that no one ever used?  How many sweaters with reindeer and bells and ornaments on them are going in the basement, sweaters no one’s ever wearing?  I mean, think about what you got and then say, you know, I don’t want to impose my taste on other people.  Taste imposition is my litmus test for whether you’re engaged in this kind of spending.

As soon as you start telling people that they really need this life-sized Santa or this original oil painting or something like that, you already know you’re in the deep end in terms of impulse expenditure.  Don’t buy things people don’t want, just like you don’t want things that people give you.  Instead, think about something that somebody could really use.  A $25 gift certificate to a book store.  A CD that they’ve always wanted.  Those kinds of things are what you can do.  You get the same result:  people are just as happy and you don’t waste the thousands and thousands of dollars.

My research indicates the average person probably wastes about $600 during the holiday season on presents that nobody wants.  And it’s not just Christmas; it’s birthdays and other events as well.  That’s a lot of money over the course of a lifetime that could be invested wisely.  Avoiding binge and impulse spending is a way to stay within your financial constraints imposed by the pyramid structure.  Again, I am not asking you to be cheap; I am asking you to be wise.

Once you’ve done all that, you’ll find it very easy to spend your money much more wisely to stay within that 10% limit for extravagances and other slush-fund-type expenditures.

And then I recommend you “play in the slush.”  Have fun, go on vacations, do the things you like to do.  Because if you exercise the discipline by eliminating the major vices, cutting down on the high-interest debt, eliminating binge and impulse spending, you’re going to have a lot of money left over for some real fun.

The last thing I advise people to do with some of their slush-fund money is to give some of it away.  Charitable gifts are a very, very important part of crashproofing.  Part of crashproofing involves realizing that other lives need help.  Again, be very judicious when it comes to charity giving.  Make sure it’s a worthwhile, honest charity—believe it or not, there are charity scams out there—and cheerfully give.

I remember a situation in a neighborhood I lived in, when some people came by dressed in policemen’s uniforms asking for money for the policemen’s ball and then some people were coming in asking for money for the firemen’s ball.  Turned out the police and fire departments had to announce that they don’t have a ball.  All those people were frauds and con artists.  So if you give to a charity, learn if it is an honest, real organization with integrity.  So give, spend your charitable dollars as wisely as you spend your other dollars, and you’ll find you’ve taken the next big step for crashproofing your life and protecting your wealth.

The next corner of the financial pyramid is where I would like to shift gears and tell you that you are not your own worst financial enemy, but instead your best financial friend.  Here’s where I talk about the untouchable savings account.  This is where the next 10% of your money in the financial pyramid goes.

This is a savings account in an insured institution where you direct-deposit money, 10% of your after-tax income, every month. And the purpose of this account is very simple.  You put your money in there, and it just gathers interest.  It is cash you will need for an emergency some day and you want to just have it sitting there immediately available to you, not tied up in an investment you might have to sell, not tied up in anything risky that might lose its value; it’s basically cash sitting in the bank.

Now, there are people who will tell you that you really shouldn’t put money in a bank account because interest rates could be very, very low, and you really could do so much better by investing that money.  I’m not a believer in that.  And crashproofers do not follow that advice.  They ignore what I call the leverage mongers, the people who say you’ve always got to get the maximum return on your money all the time.

There’s a tremendous sense of financial security that you will get by having some money sitting there in the bank, gathering dust, not earning much interest at all, but being available in case of an emergency.  I recommend that you try to save 6 to 12 months’ worth of living expenses, of annual living expenses, the amount basically that would be in your limited-purpose checking account for one year if you add that up.  Just have it, say, in a savings account earning a small amount of interest in an insured institution, so that you can use it in the event of an emergency.

So, for example, a family that makes $92,000 a year takes home $72,000 a year after taxes. The amount that they would put in their limited-purpose checking account over the course of a whole year would be a little more than $50,000.  That’s the amount that your savings goal should be to have in your untouchable savings account as I call it, because you really never use that money for anything except an extreme emergency.

Some people think six months’ worth is okay--maybe you don’t need a whole year’s worth--and that’s up to you.  Whatever makes you feel secure.  Do you need six months’ worth of living expenses, or do you need 12 months’ worth?  I personally have 12 months’ worth in the bank.  I feel that’s the better way to go.  But in some situations you might feel that six months’ worth is acceptable.  But as long as you have 6 to 12 months’ worth of your annual living expenses in cash, in the bank, you will have a very, very strong sense of security in your life.

Then, once you get to that level, and you will get to that level pretty quickly if you implement even just some of the things I’ve told you in this one article, then you really can start to divert some of that money into your investment clearing-house account, the final base of the pyramid.  I discuss this final base, or account, in great detail in my Protect Your Wealth program.  It’s all about investing and where your money needs to go, especially in today’s volatile market.

In this revolutionary new program, acclaimed author, lawyer, and speaker Thomas Schweich will walk you through every professional, financial, and personal challenge that you could possibly face. From the dangers of poorly worded e-mails to the loopholes in insurance policies, Mr. Schweich will not only warn you of curve balls that life might throw your way, but he will also provide you with the tools you can implement to avoid all of the major risks to your life.

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