Many people, though, go through a much longer and stronger grieving period than others, to the point that they make themselves sick or anxious or miserable.  This happens most often when we mix in other elements with the grief--regret or self-pity or anger or resentment or guilt are just a few of the emotions or feelings we can add to the grief and take away our love for life, at least for a time.  Once we add these elements, grief is no longer healthy, but destructive.  It's no longer helpful, but harmful.  And the only way around it is to recognize what we're doing.

Of course, when someone (or a pet) who's been very near to us dies, we're going to grieve much more than we would if the person who has died has never been that close to us.  But I've met very few people who want others to spend weeks and weeks mourning their deaths.  When I talk to people about dying, they usually tell me that they want people to get on with their lives, to keep on living, to enjoy themselves as much as they can until their time to die comes.  I've never talked to anyone who wants people to spend their days focused on the loss, who wants any person to stop living a full life just because of the fact that someone close to them has died.

This is exactly why we have funerals and wakes--they're ceremonies that help us to move on, to deal with the fact of the loss.

But what happens when you add guilt to the grief?  If someone has just died and you feel guilty because you've treated the person poorly, or have done something to that person, then you're not just dealing with grief.  It's like mixing salt with hand lotion--the lotion will never do what it's supposed to do.  The grief will never accomplish its purpose.  It's the same with anger--are you angry over something that person did while alive?  Are you angry that the person has died?  If so, you won't get past the grief, for it's much stronger now, mixed with the second, destructive emotion.

If you're grieving and you can't get over it, try to figure out what that second emotion is, and try to deal with that.  Let the grief do its work without sabotaging it, and deal with any other emotions on their own terms.  Are you feeling guilty because you didn't visit your mother enough during her last months?  Then deal with the guilt separately--there's no changing what you've done in the past, so resolve to be more attentive in the future.  Or sit down and make a list of the many commitments you had during that time, and see if you realistically could have visited much more.  Be honest, and be fair, both with yourself and the situation.  If you could have gone more, then deal with that in the future--life will give you ways to make amends for past mistakes.  Life's really good at that, but we have to keep our eyes and hearts open.

When I die, I hope that no one grieves--I hope they celebrate the fact that I've moved on to a much better place.  I hope to have my wake while I'm still alive, so that I can enjoy the food and the company.  I don't want grief to darken one person's day--I hope it will brighten their lives by allowing them to move on with the process of living the wonderful lives we've been given with only an occasional glance back, with a smile at the memories.

Please don't let the combination of grief and something else consume you.  Let grief free you, and deal with any other feelings separately.  Those who love you want you to see the world brightly, not darkly.

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The question you must ask yourself is not if you will heal, but how.  Grief and pain
have their own duration, and when they begin to pass, you must take care to guide
the shape of the new being you are to become.

So you should not fear tragedy and suffering.  Like love, they make you more a part
of the human family.  From them can come your greatest creativity.  They are
the fire that burns you pure.

Kent Nerburn

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