What do I mean by self-love?

Back when I worked as a psychiatrist in the army, the military was interested in what made successful people click, and so a dozen such people from different branches of the service were gathered together for study.  They were men and women in their late thirties or early forties who had all been markedly successful.  They had been promoted ahead of their contemporaries, yet they also seemed to be popular.  Those who had families seemed to be enjoying a happy family life, their children were doing well in school and were well adjusted.  These people seemed to have a golden touch.

They were studied in various dimensions, sometimes as a group, sometimes individually.  As a part of the study they were asked to write down on a piece of paper -- and they did not have the chance to consult with one another about this issue -- the three most important things in their life, in order of priority.

There were two phenomena that were quite remarkable about the way the group handled this task.  One was the seriousness with which they took it.  The first to return his answer sheet took well over forty minutes, and a number of the people took more than an hour, even though they knew that most of the group had finished.

The other thing that was remarkable was that, while the second and third items on their lists ranged all over the map, all twelve had written exactly the same answer for number one:  "Myself."  Not "Love."  Not "God."  Not "My family."  But "Myself."

And that, I suggest, was an expression of mature self-love.  Self-love implies the care, respect, and responsibility for and the knowledge of the self.  Without loving one's self one cannot love others.  But do not confuse self-love with self-centeredness.  These successful men and women were loving spouses and parents and caring supervisors.

More on self-love.

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