to most of the literature that I read, though, I'm making
a mistake if I continue to work at a job that doesn't make
me happy, even if providing for my family does give me a
strong sense of satisfaction and knowing that my
step-children are well provided for is more important to
me than my own personal or professional satisfaction.
also another factor involved: if I continue to
search for other work and nothing comes up, then does that
mean that I'm meant to continue at my current job? I
tend to think it does, for no matter how I
feel about working there, I know that I'm learning some
very important things about life and living by
staying. I also know that I'm able to provide a
positive influence for the students with whom I work, and
that much of what I do for them and with them is important
If I had
my heart's desire, I would no longer be there. But
is that what's best for me? We have to let life give
us its input and respect it, even if we don't understand
this just rationalization for not having the courage, or
for not trusting life or God enough to leave my job?
happens if living from our hearts affects other people far
too strongly for us to be able to do so completely?
Can we just disregard the effects on others in order to
live genuinely and authentically? There are those
who argue not only that we can, but that we should, for
the negative feelings that I have about work, for example,
can negatively affect my family just as much as a shortage
of money can.
part, though, as long as I continue to pursue every option
available to me and meet with no success, I feel that I
can see life's or God's hand in the picture, and that for
reasons that I can't comprehend right now, I'm right where
I'm meant to be, learning lessons that I need to learn.
way, even though I may not be living from my heart by
having the "perfect" job for me, I'm accepting
the gift of the job that I do have (when many people would
be grateful to have a similar one), and I'm doing all I
can to learn and experience what I need where I'm
at. And I can be sure that as long as I'm at peace
concerning my motives and the outcomes of staying at the
job I'm at, I truly am living from my heart and not making
decisions based on fear or rationalizations or any other
life be simpler? I don't know, but my hunch is that
if it were, we wouldn't get nearly as much from it. . . .
interesting footnote: I did end up leaving the job
about a year and a half after I wrote this essay. It
felt very good leaving behind a job that was unfulfilling
and that didn't allow me to be my authentic self.