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The most ungrateful person I know is an older woman who can't see
the beauty of her life because she is so bitter that it didn't
turn out the way she thought it should. She has a lovely
home and garden, healthy, bright, successful children, a
fifty-year marriage, and the means and health to travel. No
one in her immediate family has died or been seriously ill, she's
never known poverty or lack; she is, from all external measures,
highly privileged, with much to be grateful for. And yet all
of what she has is completely invisible to her because somehow it
doesn't match the picture of what she expected. Her kids
don't live close enough or visit often enough; she wishes there
was even more money; her marriage isn't as loving as she
desires. Her ingratitude is a self-fulfilling prophecy, for
the more she complains, the more lonely and isolated she finds
herself as friends and family grow weary of her moaning.
To me, this acquaintance is an important teacher in the
practice of gratitude--a vivid example of how expectations can
create blinders so that we can't even see the true blessings of
our lives.
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Expectations are the killers of gratitude and
joy: If you expect to live in the Taj Mahal, your cozy
little cottage will feel pretty awful; if you expect your son to
become a doctor, you can't appreciate him for the fine bodyworker
that he is; if you focus on how you are going to be miserable
without a BMW, your trusty, rusty Toyota that reliably gets you
around will only bring you misery.
Having hopes,
dreams, and visions for the future is one thing; it's important to
have goals and schemes pulling us into the future. But we
need to be careful that such envisioning doesn't get in the way of
appreciating the things we have in the here and now. Let's
not miss the beauty of our actual lives while we're lusting after
a mythical perfect life.
If we expect someone or something outside ourselves to make us
happy, we lose our power. The truth is we can't count on
anything except our ability to choose how to respond to what
happens to us. One way to counteract the tendency to look
outside ourselves for happiness is to practice No Matter
What. Before you go into a situation, ask yourself,
"What is it that I can learn, accomplish, or experience here,
no matter what happens?" Let's say you have to give a
speech and are nervous about how it will be received. Your
No Matter What might be, "No matter what, I want to
experience a sense of peace while talking. As I look out
into the audience, I'll remember to breathe and notice that at my
core there is peace." Afterwards, no matter what else
happened--that people appeared bored, or no one came up to thank
you--you can still appreciate yourself for having kept your
commitment to experience peacefulness.
When we practice No Matter What, we are no longer hooked by
expectations to externals--other people, other events--but are
free to choose what we will focus on to make us happy.
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When awareness of
everything you have dawns in you,
how do you feel? Don't you have an extraordinary abundance
to be thankful for? Gratitude is being thankful, grateful for
what you have. With gratitude firmly rooted in your heart,
you are humble and open and receptive and inducing your Benefactor
to shower you with more gifts, physical and spiritual. And it's
more
than gifts! A grateful heart is a grace-full heart. A
grace-full heart
is one that is open, alive, and growing toward communion with its
Benefactor.
Do you realize that you have been given exactly what you
need
just so that you may proceed with the spiritual lessons and growth
that you, you alone, need to master? Yes, life can be absolutely
daunting,
but you can have gratitude when you realize that you have just what you
need.
Gratitude is the virtue that shifts our energy in order to facilitate
our great
growth to the next levels. Without the hankering after what we
don't have,
we allow ourselves to receive from God just what we need. Then we
have
and use just what we need to, so that we're prepared for greater gifts
and gains inside.
Michael Goddart
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If
your gratitude depends on what life gives you or what other people
do for you or to you, you will be disappointed more often than you are
grateful.
But you can learn to feel grateful by rethinking your attitude
towards life.
First, remember that contentment lies in giving.
If you know that giving
is better than receiving, then you can feel grateful for what you are
able
to give others.
This does not mean you ignore your own needs.
You will
decide what to give and how to give it, and then at the end of the day
you will be grateful for having had the chance to give in your own way.
Remember, we all have something to give, and our ability to give is
not related to our finances or physical strength.
Bernie Siegel
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