Good
day, and welcome to our newest day in our lives!
Today is our first full day of summer, and we hope
that you're
able to start your summer well--and for those of you
in the
southern hemisphere who are celebrating the
beginning of
winter, we hope that your season is bright and
cheerful, too!
Kindness does not stop with us; we can extend it outward
from ourselves, like the ripples on a pond, toward our
family, friends, and loved ones. This is relatively
natural and effortless. But for loving kindness to
be genuine, it cannot just end with the people we know and
like; it has to go further, toward those we do not know
and even do not like. This includes people we may be
having a hard time with, someone with whom communication
is difficult, where negative issues have arisen that are
pulling the relationship apart, where there is anger,
resentment, or dislike.
When we are affected by someone being hostile, dismissive,
critical, or hurtful, then it is often because there is a
hook in us for that negativity to grab hold of, a place
where it can land that triggers all our hidden feelings of
unworthiness, insecurity, doubt, even self-hate.
However, when we extend kindness toward such a person, as
we can in meditation, an extraordinary thing
happens: The landing place, or the hook within,
begins to dissolve. There is no place for the
negativity to take hold.
The negative reactions that arise within us during moments
of discord or disagreement cause continued suffering and
conflict. Extending kindness toward the adversary
is, therefore, really extending it toward ourselves, as it
releases the inner pain and puts us into a more balanced
place.
As a
Burmese teacher once told author Andrew Harvey, "Out
of compassion for myself, let me let go of all these
feelings of anger and resentment toward others."
As we focus on the adversary, all manner of divergent
feelings may arise about what happened, about who said
what to whom, and what someone did or did not do. To
get to loving kindness, we have to accept those feelings
while also letting go of the story, releasing the
details. Who did or who said what is not relevant;
what matters is the shared human experience. Hurt
and disagreement and anger arise when we forget our
essential unity and hang out in separate, isolated places,
while knocking heads with each other. By letting go
of the story, we are going beyond the ego's affront to the
shared space.
We can extend kindness toward people who are upset, angry,
or irritable, whether their feelings have anything to do
with us or not. In this way, we can stop negativity
from affecting us. Whether it is our boss or a bus
driver or our partner or teenage children, wishing them
well helps us keep our cool.
From extending kindness toward an adversary, the natural
next step is to extend it toward all beings, whoever and
wherever they are. Theoretically, this sounds very
straightforward, but it can highlight hidden issues of
prejudice and resistance. Can we really extend
kindness toward terrorists, murderers, or dictators as
easily as we can toward caregivers, charity workers, or
our loved ones? Can we step beyond personality to
the essence of shared beingness? Can we find a place
where all beings are equal in our heart?
Prejudice can go very deep. It is only healed when
we end the war within and accept those parts of ourselves
we find so unacceptable. Then we will have the
courage to accept those who are different from us, who
have different beliefs, who are a different color, or who
live differently. When we can tolerate ourselves,
then we can be tolerable toward others and extend kindness
to all equally.
As Mohandas Gandhi said, "We must widen the circle of
our love until it embraces the whole village; the village,
in turn, must take into its fold the district, the
district the province, and so on, until the scope of our
love encompasses the whole world."
I've been dreaming of friendly faces I've got so much time to kill Just imagine people laughing I know some day we will And even if it's far away Get me through another day
Cover me in sunshine Shower me with good times Tell me that the world's been
spinning since the beginning And everything will be alright Cover me in sunshine
From a distance all these mountains Are just some tiny hills Wildflowers, they keep living While they're just standing still I've been missing yesterday But what if there's a better place?
Cover me in sunshine Shower me with good times Tell me that the world's been
spinning since the beginning And everything will be alright Cover me in sunshine
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Are you ready to emerge from the cocoon of your past? The
key to inner freedom is self-reflection--uncovering the habits
that have held you back and identifying your strong points.
With self-knowledge comes the ability to frame new responses and
to relate authentically to the world.
Lately, whenever I try to start something new, whether it's a
project or a friendship, things don't seem to come together as I'd
hoped or planned. I make all the right moves, but success
remains elusive. Somebody suggested that the problem is
something I'm not looking at--a hidden assumption I'll fail, for
example. Maybe so, but I don't see how digging around in my
psyche will help. I simply want to get on with my
life. Any suggestions?
Unfortunately, we can't just set aside what we don't want to think
about and assume that it will go away. Whoever suggested you
try a little self-evaluation makes a good point. When we've
exhausted all the excuses for why life isn't working--other
people, bad luck, misalignment of the stars--we're left with the
possibility that the answer lies within. Nine times out of
ten, it's our fears or doubts or attitudes--carryovers from the
past--that are getting in the way of our accomplishing what we
want.
Can't I just let bygones be bygones and start afresh?
Unfortunately, "the eternal sunshine of the spotless
mind" exists only in movies. Even if you could ignore
the past, I doubt that would make you happy. The past is the
repository of all your experiences--the joys and triumphs,
as well as the disappointments. Without your past, you
wouldn't be you. When you say you want to put it behind you,
don't you mean you want to be free of unpleasant memories?
I guess so. Whenever I think about the past, I have a
thousand regrets. Every "Why did I. . . ?" or
"Why didn't I. . .?" feels like karmic punishment for my
sins.
Everyone has regrets. We've all said or done things we're
not proud of, or that failed to get us the results we want.
But torturing yourself by rehashing those moments isn't going to
put the past to rest any more than ignoring them would.
Karma isn't a cosmic evaluation slip that says, "Too bad, you
failed the test." It's merely a clue to where you need
to do some self-reflection. Karma says, "Mine your
experience for what it can teach you about your habitual responses
to the world." You need to find out what's keeping you
from expressing fully who you are.
If I look, I'll only feel inadequate. Maybe whatever is
happening now is just my karma, and the best I can do is accept
it.
There's a common misperception that karma locks us into what was
true in the past. Fortunately, that's not the case.
Character and personality are malleable. We can and do
change. In fact, our inner experience of the world changes
constantly. That's why it matters so much what thoughts we
entertain. If we cling to our old ways of thinking, we'll
simply respond as we always have and the same things will keep
happening to us. The first step toward awakening is
admitting you want something different.
Some things aren't going my way right now. I suppose my
whole life could use an overhaul.
It isn't a matter of overhauling your life--though aspects of your
life are bound to change as you develop self-awareness. This
is about understanding who you are at the core. We all have
within us a wealth of resources--everything, in fact, we need for
growth. Evolution has seen to that. The way to tap
that inner wisdom is through self-examination. . . .
self-reflection is very practical. What are the hopes and
dreams you cherish, the abilities you aren't yet
actualizing? What are the secrets and nasty little habits
you're hiding? Only if you bring all this to light will you
be able to lead the full, rich life you crave. . . .
I see how mindfulness could enhance my experience of the present,
but how will it help me put the past to rest?
The only place you can change the past is in the present. By
not focusing on the "story" of your life--the events
themselves--but rather on how you interpret and shape those
events, you will start to see patterns emerging. Insight
into the assumptions that have been running your life will tell
you why things turn out in certain ways. The patterns and
habits you've developed are karmic opportunities. Unlike age
or eye color or family of origin, they're aspects of yourself you
have the power to change, which could, in turn, change your
life. Karma arises out of our choices. When we choose
not to respond as in the past, we create the possibility of a
different future.
Living
Life Fully, the e-zine
exists to try to provide for visitors of the world wide web a
place
of growth, peace, inspiration, and encouragement. Our
articles
are presented as thoughts of the authors--by no means do
we
mean to present them as ways that anyone has to live
life. Take
from them what you will, and disagree with
whatever you disagree
with--just know that they'll be here for you
each week.
Have you ever
seen an inchworm crawl up a leaf or a twig,
and then, clinging to the
very end, revolve in the air,
feeling for something, to reach
something?
That's like me. I am trying to find something
out
there beyond the place on which I have footing.
Albert P. Ryder
People
Can Be Very Selfish
I
never want to write negative things about other
people just for the sake of criticism. After
all, other people are living their lives and I'm
living mine, so why not just let them be and go on
with my life without pointing fingers and
criticizing?
Well, mostly because our lives intersect. We
really can't live on this planet without being
affected by and affecting others, can we? I
suppose I could live the life of a hermit and not
deal with other people on a daily basis, but I'd
still need other people if I wanted to
survive. It's simply impossible to function in
life without dealing with other human beings in one
context or another. Very often, when our lives
do intersect with the lives of others, those other
people do things that can harm us either physically
or emotionally. They can treat us poorly and
make us feel awful, and when that happens, it can be
very hard to live our lives fully.
After all, it's hard to be "up" when
someone is pulling us down, right?
So it's important to me that I always keep in mind
that other people may, from time to time, act
selfishly. They will. Not everyone, of
course, and not all the time, but I am going to run
into situations in which selfishness is someone
else's main motivation.
And that's going to make me frustrated, annoyed, and
possibly even angry. When selfishness is
someone's major motivation, then other people are
going to be hurt. In the simplest of examples,
if there are eight donuts on the table and eight
people in the house who all like donuts, what
happens when the first person to wake up eats two of
them? Someone is going to go without simply
because one person acted selfishly. The player
on a team who hogs the ball and doesn't pass it when
they should is affecting the entire team's
performance, not just their own. Some people
say things because it makes them feel better to say
them, and they pay no regard to how those things
make others feel. All of these acts are
selfish.
Selfish people focus on themselves and their own
needs more than they focus on others. They act
and speak based on what they want, not what may be
good for others. Their focus is on self, thus
the word "selfish."
There are those who consider the word
"selfless" to be the opposite of selfish,
though I don't agree with this perspective. To
me, "selfless" takes it too far--we can
still look out for other people without neglecting
ourselves without being selfish. We all have
needs, and it's not selfish to take care of those
needs when necessary, whereas the concept of being
selfless implies that we won't look after our own
needs at all.
So where's the balance?
It's very important that we take care of ourselves,
first and foremost, for if we don't do so, we won't
have anything to give to others. If I'm in
trouble myself, I can't help someone else.
That just makes sense. I can't help you to
climb a fence if I haven't eaten for five days, for
then I'd have no energy or strength to share.
I can't drive you somewhere you need to go if I
haven't slept for four days, for that would be
dangerous for both of us. Taking care of
ourselves isn't selfishness as we see it in the
negative sense--it's simply making sure we're okay
so that we can give to the world more effectively.
But if I won't drive you somewhere that you
absolutely need to go because there's nothing in it
for me, then I'm being selfish. If I won't
help you over a fence that you must get over because
I don't want to get my shirt dirty, then I'm being
selfish.
And if I am selfish, I hope that you don't let my
selfishness diminish your happiness. I hope
that my lack of caring and compassion for your
situation doesn't bring you down. How my
selfishness affects you really is your choice, and
you can choose to be devastated or even just hurt by
my selfishness,
We will run into selfish people: selfish
drivers, selfish shoppers, selfish family members,
selfish teachers and students, selfish
everything. We will run into people whose main
thought is what's in it for them, and what they can
get out of any situation they're in. Many of
them are great people who are simply so afraid of
not having something that they grab at it to make it
theirs, or so afraid of losing something that they
can't even think of sharing. Don't let these
people ruin your day or your week. Recognize
them for what they are--frightened people trying to
manage their worlds in inappropriate ways--and move
on. Your life isn't worth making miserable for
someone else's fear.
I've learned that there are many selfish people in
the world, but I've also learned that their
selfishness doesn't have to have any effect on me at
all as long as I simply recognize what's going on
and move on with my life, not allowing their words
or actions to intrude on my peace.
To
travel a circle is to journey
over the same ground time and
time
again. To travel a circle wisely
is to journey over the same
ground
for the first time. In this way, the
ordinary becomes
extraordinary,
and the circle, a path to where
you wish to be. And when you
notice
at last that the path has
circled back into itself, you
realize
that
where you wish to be is
where you have already
been. . . and always were.
Several
years ago, a friend of mine lived with me during the final few
months of her life. Not completely understanding the effects
of her illness, I kept saying, "Michelle, you must eat.
You're getting too thin! Eat!" And after she
died, I read in her journal about how "Marianne takes it for
granted that if you eat, you gain weight; if you want to go out
somewhere, you can; and if you want to live past this year, it's a
reasonable proposition." She was someone who had so
little to be happy about, but she taught me so much about
happiness. During those months, right after the birth of my
daughter, I would come home to find my dying friend with my baby
snuggled next to her. There was a smile of bliss on both
their faces that I will remember all my days.
The key
to the art of listening is selectivity. You stand guard at
the ear-gateway to your mind, heart and spirit. You decide
what you will accept. . .
Listen to
the good. Tune your ears to love, hope and courage.
Tune out gossip, fear and resentment.
Listen to
the beautiful. Relax to the music of the masters; listen to
the symphony of nature -- hum of the wind in the treetops, bird
songs, thundering surf.
Listen
with your eyes. Imaginatively listen to the sounds in a
poem, a novel, a picture.
Listen
critically. Mentally challenge assertions, ideas,
philosophies. Seek the truth with an open mind.
Listen
with patience. Do not hurry other people. Show them
the courtesy of listening to what they have to say, no matter how
much you disagree. You may learn something.
Listen
with your heart. Practice empathy when you listen; put
yourself in the other person's place and try to hear his or her
problems in your heart.
Listen
for growth. Be an inquisitive listener. Ask
questions. Everyone has something to say that will help you
to grow.
Listen
creatively. Listen carefully for ideas or the germs of
ideas. Listen for hints or clues that will spark creative
projects.
Listen to
yourself. Listen to your deepest yearnings, your highest
aspirations, your noblest impulses. Listen to the better
person within you.
Listen
with depth. Be still and meditate. Listen with the ear
of intuition for the inspiration of the Infinite.
Life
is slipping away with incredible speed. We are racing
through space
at the rate of nineteen miles every second. Today is our most
precious
possession. It is our only sure possession.
Yes, life
can be mysterious and confusing--but there's much of life that's
actually rather dependable and reliable. Some principles apply
to life in so many different contexts that they can truly be called
universal--and learning what they are and how to approach them and use
them can teach us some of the most important lessons that we've ever
learned.
My doctorate is in Teaching and Learning. I use it a lot when I
teach at school, but I also do my best to apply what I've learned to
the life I'm living, and to observe how others live their lives.
What makes them happy or unhappy, stressed or peaceful, selfish or
generous, compassionate or arrogant? In this book, I've done my
best to pass on to you what I've learned from people in my life,
writers whose works I've read, and stories that I've heard.
Perhaps these principles can be a positive part of your life, too! Universal Principles of Living Life Fully. Awareness of
these principles can explain a lot and take much of the frustration
out of the lives we lead.
Explore all of our
quotations pages--these links will take you to the first page of each
topic, and those pages will contain links to any additional pages on
the same topic (there are five pages on adversity, for example).
™
